Escaping The Groupchat Ghetto
You’re crushing it in the groupchat, but it’s time to grow up. It’s time to put your work out into the world. It’s time to publish.
I was just like you, prolific in the groupchat: confessional, funny, and ever-present with a quip or sometimes a full-blown screed. It was a sign of a deep longing to publish. To write and perhaps most important of all, to be read.
If you are receiving this linked article from someone, it’s because you are one of those people. You’re crushing it in the groupchat, but it’s time to grow up, it’s time to accept your calling young man. It’s time to put your work out into the world. It’s time to publish. The Golden Age is upon is, it’s time for your work to see the light of day.
What’s Your Style?
There are two main places to publish the types of writing you probably produce. You can do so on X or Substack, or both. If you’re a man whose style closely hews to brevity is the soul of wit, X might be a good place for you. If, like me, your blue bubbles in the groupchat frequently span multiple vertical swipes or sometimes even trigger abridgment (the iOS > see more feature), then maybe Substack is a better place for you. Again, you can’t go wrong with both, but know what to post where.
Who Are You?
You can use your real name if you want. But I recommend a pseudonym, particularly for lords of the groupchat. It’s likely that the subjects you attend to in the groupchat, which will serve as the basis for your new publishing career, are not always things you want associated with your name. Yes, if you achieve any level of notoriety in the future, Antifa will dox you; I promise you that you are not boring enough to be considered acceptable. Your friends, family, and internet mutuals will be alarmed at what they learn about you. But you’ll be famous at that point, and this will serve to salve the pain for the most part. Your friends, family, and mutuals will forgive you quickly. The groupchat will get over it. Give no thought to your eventual doxxing; unless you’re really and truly great, it won’t happen. And if it does happen, it means you’ve made it.
Your name should speak to you. Not anyone else. Make it something that you relate to, such that when you see it printed at the top of your articles, it makes you smile every time. Clever, funny, relevant to others, none of that matters. The name is for you and you alone. You’re not a growth hacker, you’re a writer. When your new mutuals start using it to address you, it should make you feel good every single time.
The First Article
Okay, you’re all set up. Time for your first article. Oh no. This is such an unfamiliar feeling. All tense, like trying to take a dump at the 50-yard line during the Super Bowl halftime show. Don’t panic. Close the tab or app. And forget about it.
In the next few days, just as has been happening for years, you’ll be struck by a lightning bolt. You open the groupchat, maybe you’re already in it. Perfect.
Close the groupchat, open Substack or X, and hit the plus icon. Begin to write. Write exactly as if you’re writing to the groupchat. Let it flow out of you. If for some reason you get composition window anxiety, just do it in the groupchat text entry and then copy/paste it into the compose window later.
Editing Helps
Close the compose window. Take a deep breath and smile to yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back. You’re almost there. I’d say the hard part is over, but it’s not. Unlike in groupchats, you’re going to want to establish a practice of editing that is more robust than what you are used to. Don’t worry. You will get the hang of it quickly. But in the beginning, it’s a bit maddening.
As time goes on, you will refine your writing style in a manner that allows for a much easier editing process. But in the beginning, your shit is probably going to lack cohesive structure, commas, and other hallmarks of good publishing. This is usually a product of too much groupchat usage. It will get better quickly, I promise.
Hit Send
Okay. You’ve come this far. Time to hit publish. I’ve got bad news for you. Nothing is going to happen. Actually, less than nothing. You’re used to a few haha and heart bubbles from other members of the groupchat. None of that is waiting for you on the other side of the publish button here today.
This is okay. Steel yourself to this inevitability. In time, it will change if you’re half as decent a writer as the person who sent this to you thinks you are. And you probably are. Go back to the groupchat, send in an abridged version or a copy/paste of the whole thing if you think it’s still appropriate. If not, that’s fine. Just do something else for a bit.
Take A Deep Breath
If you used Substack, come back in an hour and open up your article inside of the app. Press the play button (change the voice AI to Taylor in the settings—I find her voice extremely erotic, perhaps you will too) and hear as a sultry female voice reads your brilliant work aloud.
Feel the horniness for your own words stir inside of you; notice that this hits almost as much as the hearts and hahas you often get in the groupchat. Almost.
Learn A Bit About ‘Sales’
Now, see this note by
about how to capture some eyeballs for your work.It’s more of an indirect process than you might think. Engage with others on here earnestly in their comments, learn the lingo. Think of it as being the same as when you riff off of something your friend puts into the groupchat. Same idea. But maybe be a bit less graphic and uncouth than you otherwise would be. This is a classy joint.
Repeat this process over and over again. Avoid smoking a joint (you shouldn’t be smoking any joints at all) and listening to your own Substack masterpieces over and over again. This is called narcissistic Substack gooning and is not a recommended habit. Occasional indulgence, maybe. Habit, definitely not.
Learn about the nuances of Substack, adjust the aesthetics of your profile and publication, write some copy on your about page, explore the labyrinthine settings, etc. Congratulations. You’ve done it. You’re now a writer. We’re all very excited to see how far you can get.
Don’t Forget Where You Came From
Don’t forget the groupchat. Those are your friends, after all. Keep some of your ideas for the groupchat; don’t become neurotic over doxxing yourself to them when you copy/paste some of your work from one to the other sometimes. None of them are googling you, that I can promise you. The groupchat is what made you. In a way, those guys are the guys who discovered you. Don’t neglect them. The title of the article is only meant to grab attention, something you’ll learn more about as you progress. The groupchat isn’t a ghetto at all, it’s the reason you are here.
Good luck!
Inspiration
This post was inspired by a friend of mine who, in front of other groupchatters IRL, earnestly encouraged me by praising some of my “work” published to the groupchat over the years, asserting that I could probably “do really well” in the bloodsport of Internet publishing, at least as a hobby.
In response, I gave my many reasons for why I hadn’t taken to the internet to write very much. But that night, after everyone had left and I was cleaning up, I realized it was all just fear and cope holding me back from doing something I might be really good at.
I signed up for Substack that night.
I even self-doxxed to him directly a few days later, despite the really awkward first true post I had just penned for my debut. I wanted him to know that I appreciated his encouragement and that it had caused me to take swift immediate action. Friends oftentimes know you much better than you know yourself. If they are telling you you’re a writer, you probably are. Maybe it’s time for you to find out.
To that friend of mine, if he’s made it this far, thank you, truly.
NOTE: Maybe you’re a writer or more of a reader yourself. But for whatever reason, you’re already here on Substack. Think for a minute about the people you know. Is there anyone that you know who might benefit from receiving a link to this article? Probably, there’s always that one guy who is prolific in the groupchat. Consider sending this to him.
Thanks for reading.